My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
