I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
