Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
