That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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