oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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