I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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