You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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