I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
