Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
