Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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