My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
