Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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