I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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