i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
