i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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