Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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