I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
