Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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