Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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