Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
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My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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