in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
