I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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