Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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