Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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