He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize
