sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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