All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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