Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
