Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
