when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
