he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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