2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My room smells like vodka and shame
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
