Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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