dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
