i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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