You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
