Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
