I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
