it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
