every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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