I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
