i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
