Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
