my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
