Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
