new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
