he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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