i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
