Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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