I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My butt remains clenched, sir.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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