it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
