When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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