some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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