Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
